Today was going to be a happy day. We were pregnant, excited, and going to the doctor to hear our baby's heartbeat this morning. My happy day ended up not as happy as I thought.
Alex has been at a conference in Wichita for the last two days, and when I scheduled my doctor's appointment, I didn't have this conference in my calendar. I didn't think much of him not being here for the doctor's appointment, as I've been there done that a couple of times;-) He called late last night to tell me he had too much work to be gone another day, so he was going to leave Wichita to meet me at my doctor's appointment and then go to work. I thought it was silly, but obliged to have company.
Little did I know God was at work.
We met at the appointment and all was fine. We listened intently, and then got to the point of listening for a heartbeat. Bless our nurse practicioner's heart, she hunted and hunted for a quick little blip. She even went to get the doctor's doppler to have a more accurate count, but alas, there was nothing. She encouraged us that sometimes they just can't find them and sent us to have a quick sonogram to check.
We didn't have an appointment for the sono, so they said they would just work us in. An hour and a half later, they took us back and quickly pulled up the little bean on the sonogram machine. It was about 5 seconds before I could tell, there was no heartbeat. The sonographer was kind and apologized for our loss, and I could tell that was honestly the worst part of her job. I was saddened but had prepared myself in my hour and half wait that this was a possible outcome for this day.
We are heartbroken, but we realize we are not alone on this life hiccup. One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, and I am no different. We thought we were 12 weeks, but in fact, I had lost the baby somewhere between 7 and 8 weeks. Alex is my rock, and we will stumble our way through this trial together. I firmly believe God sent me Alex to be with me through this. It took the better part of 4 hours before I left that office with an answer I was fully not prepared to receive. I can't imagine if I would have done that alone, and I am so fortunate to have the husband I have.
So, send some prayers our way if you have some. We are grieving and reestablishing our family path at the moment, but we know we are not alone.
I hugged my two beautiful children a little extra today when I picked them up, and I am thankful for the blessings God has given me thus far. I guess he needed this baby a little more than I.
Oh, Jolie. I am so, so sorry for your loss...I speak two languages and I still never have the right words when I hear about things like this, so I usually go to the last verse in the second chapter of Job when it says what Job's three friends did after he lost everything--"So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great."
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about this Jolie. I had a miscarriage between the kids, and we were devastated. One thing that a good friend of mine (his wife had had a miscarriage many years before) said to me that I can appreciate in retrospect was that he wouldn't have his daughter if that miscarriage hadn't happened. Even though the sadness of that loss has never completely gone away, I wouldn't have my Kate if it hadn't happened. Wishing you peace and healing.
ReplyDeleteThanks, girls. I am not alone and that helps. Thankfully the kids ar keeping me busy, and I am determined to not dwell on that which I cannot change. Life goes on;-).
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